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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*