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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?