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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.