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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I need to get some bricks…
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.