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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.