878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
i’ve found my new favorite subculture