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Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
twitter is a journey
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.