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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I had to Stop for this
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you