You Might Also Like
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
My love language is hissing.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.