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Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.