You Might Also Like
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho