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So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…