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Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.