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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!