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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Just me?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human