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This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.