You Might Also Like
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend