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I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
twitter is a journey
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.