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People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.