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*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff