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I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”