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Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”