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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom