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There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop