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“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
spicy snake
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Ladies, why y’all do this?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.