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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
thanksgiving in nutshell
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery