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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”