Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

What the hell happened in there??

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

[during sex]

ME: I’m Italian, how about you?

HER: Finnish

ME: Ok sure just give me a second

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much