[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
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If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo