8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: