8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

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This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder


A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler


[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*


When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.


[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting


I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.


My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog


mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day


I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.