8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
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every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
new year update: losing everything but weight
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.