8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
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*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly