8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
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Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Bless you
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.