8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
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[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
welp
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
a lot to unpack here
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.