8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.