8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
SPLOOT
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.