8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
let’s discuss
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster