8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
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“you recording!?”
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
That 👊
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
This classic never gets old . . .
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
sounds kinky. i’m in.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.