8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”