8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.