8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*offers Batman cough drops*
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me trying to reach for my goals
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!