8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Namaste
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad