8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey