8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
being a writer on Twitter:
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.