8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.


COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves


“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”


No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.


On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.


dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok


The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.


A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.


Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.