8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You Might Also Like
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
#ParentingFacts
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
felt that