8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME