@_SingleBabyMama

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

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@Jerk_Martin

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

@justabloodygame

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN

@_elvishpresley_

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@Bob_Janke

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

@MakesYouGiggle

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@DanielScoland

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@itsBABYSMITH

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven