9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Generation gap…