9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
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This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.