9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
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Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo