9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
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Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!