9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
#titanic
me when i see my girls butt
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑