9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.