9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
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A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming