@Smooheed

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

@tjcirimele

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

@Marlebean

“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.

@junejuly12

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

@FattMernandez

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@SerenaEGolden

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup